Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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