If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
