I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
