so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
