You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
