Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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