Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
