I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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