I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
