I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
