yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
