Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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