About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
