I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
where does the pee come out of this thing
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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