I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
