i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
