I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
