in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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