You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
