im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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