Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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