I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
