I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
