I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
