Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
