I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just cropdusted the office
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
