Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
