God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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