She is in my trunk
love makes seman taste better
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
