Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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