Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
