your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Randomize
