I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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