Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
