i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
