1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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