i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
