Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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