God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
