oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
