She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I love you. Go after that dick
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
