you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
