Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
