I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
