first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
