my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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