I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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