Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you had me at cake vodka
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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