you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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