ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
