I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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