How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You ruined the universe
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
