This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
