I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
