I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Randomize
