Don't make out with my wife yet
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
