I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
