can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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